The Last Four Years

I haven’t wrote anything in a few because I’ve been uninspired and quite frankly just embarrassed. I offer no excuses or reasons just facts.

  • I haven’t cooked a meal at home since Monday.
  • I haven’t worked out since last week.
  • I only walked Kia one day this week.
  • I tricked my self into believing I have high blood pressure which would cause my heart to swell.
  • I’ve cried almost every day for the last 6 days.
  • I’ve gained 3 pounds back from the last month

I’m so much better than how I’ve been treating myself the last few days. I know that when I don’t eat well I feel like crap, and I’ve felt like crap for days now! Yesterday, I had fast food for lunch and dinner…I didn’t even try to pick something a little less fatting. I even got regular Dr Pepper.

I’m so disappointed in me. The problem is I say that all the time…. I talk about how I need to do better and get in the game, ALL THE TIME! Its the same old whiney, pathetic story. I’m so tired of it. When will I learn?

Today I saw some pictures from various times in my life and I know exactly how much I weighed in each one and exactly how I felt. I feel compelled to share so here goes.

November 2007: My sister’s wedding
225-230 lbs the heaviest I’ve ever been.
I was completely misserable, I can’t even look at the picture without feeling disgusted.

July 2008: First Time to the Beach
215 lbs. Seriously battling with depression, seriously considered running away to Mexico

October 2009: Halloween at the Pumpkin Patch
206 lbs. Indifferent. Blake and I consider this when we “started” dating.

November 2009: Thanksgiving Day 5K
192 lbs. I felt amazing! I lost 14 lbs after doing a no carb diet and running all the time.

August 2010: Trip to Seattle with Best Friend
192 lbs: This trip was amazing, I had a really great time. I look great in this picture.

October 2011: Trip to Spokane
215 lbs: I look huge. Depressed about my weight again.

 My weight controls my life. I need to stop. I just don’t know how. I wake up everyday thinking today I will eat healthy and smaller portions. Six hours later I find myself walking in to Taco del Mar. I’ve got to stop hurting myself like this. I’ve got to get control. I’ve got to.