Food, Food, Food

I feel like food is my worst enemy and best friend at the same time.

This past week I let myself eat anything and everything. It was a terrible idea but I kept telling myself that I needed the be completely energized for the race and that energy need to come from junk food. Uh. Can we say, STUPID!

I didn’t think it would be that big of seal considering I’ve been at the same weight for the last 6 weeks. As of yesterday I was up 3 lbs from my usual weight. I won’t know the real damage until Thursday of course, but I can for sure tell you I felt bigger the last few days. In some of my pictures from Bloomsday, all I see is gut.

I read some other blogs and it seems like everyone knows why they over eat. Maybe a divorce or something happened as a kid. But I don’t feel like I know why I eat like I do. I don’t think there is a void in my life I’m trying to fill with food.

I don’t understand why I don’t stop eating when I’m full. Why am I not content with eating just enough? What makes me stuff my face non stop! Why can’t I just look in the mirror and not want to hurl at the sight of me.

I thought I’d be skinnier by now, but I’m starting to wonder why I thought I could do it this time, this year, when I’ve never done it before. Why did I think I deserved it now? Will I ever be good enough for myself?

I don’t know the answers to all these questions. I don’t know how to find the answers. I just don’t know.