A Big Step For Me

Monday I went for a long tough hike with Blake and a few of his friends. I’m very excited to tell you guys about it but it’s going to have to wait. I had this brilliant idea to take my digital camera to take pictures and then realized that I have no computer to upload them. Bummer! I think I can do it at one of those picture kiosks at Walgreens so hopefully I can tell you all about it tomorrow!

This is about to get very personal.

So instead I will tell you about the big step I took yesterday. I made an appointment with a therapist.

I’ve been wanting to go for see one for quite some time now but I never made the call. I claimed I didn’t know how to find one, well yesterday I did a quick search online and found a website that listed therapists in my town, the second one on the list accepted my insurance so I called! After I hung up I immediately wanted to cancel but I didn’t and I won’t!

I need this, I need help. For as long as I can remember I’ve had issues with dealing with my anger. As a child and teen, I was very aggressive towards my siblings. More so than the typical siblings fights. In middle school I had to go live with my aunt because my mom couldn’t deal with me anymore. I’ve made too many holes in walls or doors to count.

Even as an adult I’ve had problems too. Maybe 5 years ago, I was so mad I got in a physical fight with my aunt. For several years since then, I’ve had it under control. I’ve broke a few things out of anger, and that was the extent of my rage. I didn’t hit anyone. I barely yelled.

Until recently. For someone reason in the last 6 months or so. I’ve completely lost control. I’ve thrown things, I’ve wanted to hit, I’ve pushed Blake, I’ve gone completely insane once at Kia, and as of this weekend, I kicked a whole in the wall. (by accident but still out of anger)

It’s not fair to Blake, although I am so thankful to have a husband as loving as him. Deep down he might think I’m a lunatic, but he loves me anyway. I hate myself for treating him the way I do sometimes. He deserves better than that. I am also relieved he is able to forgive and forget while I am not capable right now.

It’s also not fair to Me. I shouldn’t have to live like this. For the last few days I’ve been feeling miserable about the awful things I said to Blake, I didn’t mean them, I said them to make him mad. But it was terrible and I wish I could take it back.

I need help. Highly qualified trained help. I’m looking forward to going, although I’m also worried and feel kind of stupid.

In the end, I’ve decided no matter what it’s about my overall health including my mental health. And there is no shame in trying something to make my marriage better. I’m sure everyone can appreciate a better relationship with their spouse, no matter how good it already is, it can always get better.

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4 thoughts on “A Big Step For Me

  1. christinarussell

    I’m so proud of you. It’s so hard to take that first step, but totally worth it. After I had my son, I knew something was wrong with me and at my 6 week checkup, my OBGYN said that I have Post Partum Depression and I needed some serious help. It was really hard form me, but I finally got up the courage to call the pysch and make an appointment. 14 months later, I’m finally off the meds and feeling so much better. I still have my moments for sure, but at least I’m not that depressed, sometimes suicidal, maniac that I was. Who knew – Hormones could be such a bitch! lol Good luck sweetie!

    1. mrsalexzan Post author

      Thank you for those encouraging words. And I glad you are feeling better! Sometimes it’s hard to admit something is wrong within ourselves. But once we are able to get past that barrier the outcome can really change our lives.

  2. DrinkWaterEatOatmeal

    Wow what a step! I’ve seen therapists on and off throughout my life, mainly to just help cope when life gets overwhelming… Which… It does! For everyone! The first session is always awkward but the relief you feel when you can just talk completely uncandidly and get seriously helpful feedback… Very worth it :)

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