Over the last several weeks I’ve been at odds with myself. I’ve tried to convince myself that I can be happy while still being overweight. And I do believe that’s true, but deep down inside I’m not happy with that decision. I still want to lose 20 lbs…. Make that 23 lbs, because this morning I weighed 203.8 lbs.
I’m embarrassed because I make all these promises and claim I’m going to start this diet on this day. And then I fail. I do it for a day or a week and that’s it. I give up.
This how I am in all aspects of my life. I want to give sewing a try but I make a mistake and give up. I want to make new friends but I refuse to go places that make me uncomfortable, like a baby shower I was invited to this weekend. I really want to go but I’m afraid of feeling like an outsider. I think about getting a new job but I’m afraid of letting my mother in law down since I work for her.
I have these battles going on inside my head constantly and I let them win. I don’t sew because I make mistakes. I don’t do anything, except make big dreams and wishes in my head and then let them go. I want to be this happy, thin, successful person but I don’t do the work necessary to make it happen.
I need to change. I think people who know me don’t realize that I feel this way. I haven’t been posting to the blog because I don’t want to sound like a broken record of being depressed and feeling sorry for myself. Which is actually making things worse because writing has always been a great outlet for me. I don’t want you my readers to get annoyed with me.
Fortunately, I’ve come to realize that this is my blog. And I hate to say it but if you dont like what I am writing, just unfollow me, I’ll even tell you how if you need help. This has become so much of a dairy for me that I need it. Of course most people don’t post their dairy online for the public to see but oh well. I do appreciate all of my readers but in the end it’s for me.
So as of today I’m not making any promises or big plans, I’m just going back to the basics. Back to counting calories, back to posting my weight weekly, back to posting inspiring pictures I find on pinterest. Back to what worked back in January and February.
I’ve started a new account on myfitnesspal my user name is erinaliciaalexander, please add me a friend! My current goal is 180 lbs with a loss of 1 lb a week. I’ll be eating 1600 calories a day and working out 45 minutes 4 times a week. I’m not going to be eating the calories I burn from working out but I will record my workouts. I’m thinking it would be best for me to start training for my “next event,” I haven’t quite decided what it will be though. Maybe a half marathon?
Sometimes I feel bad or ashamed of back tracking a little bit but I have to remember that this isn’t a straight journey, it’s more like a roller coaster with ups, downs, loops, and sometimes it’s slow other times is fast. I will get there one day. This is just one part of my life that I need to work on the most.