Dazed & Confused

I’ve been keeping a big secret, and to be honest this isn’t the way I imagined sharing it but I need to write. I thought I might share my secret with a photo of me in this shirt….

Or perhaps a cute family photo with Blake and I and a picture of our sonogram.

Yep, we are expecting…well, we think. Let me back up….

Several weeks ago, I took a home pregnancy test late on a Thursday evening and it was negative, a few hours later I saw the test sitting there in the trash and I noticed a faint second line. So I took a second one the next morning, and this time a darker second line showed up although it was still faint. Confused I went to the store and I bought a pack of digital test…you know the kind that say “pregnant” or “not pregnant.” No deciphering needed. The next test I took showed an error! I don’t even know how that can happen! Its a pretty simple procedure, but whatever!

Several, excruciatingly long hours later, I was able to take a second digital test and it showed pregnant right away! Yay! I text Blake, “You’re going to be a dad!” Sounds rude, to tell him in a text but he was there for the first two tests so he was wondering, and I was too excited to keep it in!

I had an appointment with the midwife at my clinic and she confirmed what I already knew, now fast forward three weeks, to last Thursday. I was scheduled for my first ultrasound at the hospital. We were completely excited although that day I had been emotional, exhausted, and sick. The technician began the ultrasound and we nervously waited to see our tiny little baby pop up on the screen. Only it never did. She explained what we were seeing and that she could see I was in fact pregnant but could only see a yolk in the sac, when there were expecting to see a baby and hear its heartbeat. She told us that this could mean, I had miscarried or that the baby was still too small to be seen. I should have been 8 weeks along and at the point there would be a baby and we would be able to hear the heartbeat.

I immediately broke down, I was terrified, confused, angry, and disappointed. Although, I didn’t know for sure what happened, I feared the worst. The next day, I had to go in for blood tests, and I spoke with an associate of my midwife, who said I should be prepared to miscarry. I asked her what were the chances of having the baby, and she said basically none. Again I felt discouraged and broken, but I kept hoping that they were wrong.

On Monday, I met with my midwife, who wanted me to have an ultrasound to confirm everything, but she also felt like the chances weren’t on my side, because over the weekend my HCG level had dropped when the should have gone up. At this point, I had come to terms with knowing that I had in fact miscarried. Tuesday morning, I went in for another ultrasound, the technician this time told us nothing, I don’t think she even spoke more than necessary but we watched the screen again hoping to see our baby but nothing showed up.

Today, I had another appointment with my midwife, expecting her to deliver or rather confirm the bad news. Only, she didn’t. She doesn’t know what’s going on, in fact she has no idea, the second ultrasound showed a fetal pole but no baby. Which means the baby is still very small. I’m a medical mystery.

Right now the assumption is that I am pregnant but not as far as long as we originally thought.

I feel so confused. I’m hopeful, but I’m worried that I will be devastated again in two weeks when we go in for more tests and a third ultrasound. I just don’t want to get my hopes up, although I know they will anyway. I just keep laughing about it. I’ve had more doctors appointments, and blood drawn and emotions in the lasts week than in my entire life! At least I have this bizarre story to share.

I’ll give a healthy living update tomorrow! Now that I’ve shared my big secret, my eating habits and exercise will make more sense!

 

 

 

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One thought on “Dazed & Confused

  1. DrinkWaterEatOatmeal

    Oh my gosh. This is, a lot!! I’m sorry you seem to feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster :( :( it sounds like you have a wonderful man to lean on and support you (well, eachother for that matter). Ill be thinking of you!

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