Not Knowing Is The Worst

Right now, I’m living in a constant fear that today will be the day I have my miscarriage. It’s hard to handle but at the same time its easy. I try not to think about it, because if I dwell on what could happen I find myself in bed for hours.

I find it easy to submerge myself in work, by working as much as possible. At home, I just completely veg out instead of getting things done like unpacking. Somehow this keeps it away from my mind for the most part.

When I do start to think about it, I get seriously emotional. I feel like its so unfair, I want this baby so bad, I can’t understand why. Yesterday, I found out my hcg levels are still dropping which isn’t a good sign, but we are still waiting for another ultrasound next week to determine what is really going on. I’m confused why my doctor is having me go to the hospital for these ultrasounds when she has the ability to do them herself at the clinic. I feel like maybe she would do a better job?

All in all, this leaves me so frustrated. I’m still not eating the right way or getting enough physical activity. Nothing sounds good, nothing tastes good. I’m trying to change my mind set but right now it’s so hard. I know what I need to do, because there is still small chance I have a healthy baby, I need to take care of it and myself. Even though I put on a happy face, everyday is a struggle.

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