A few days ago, Blake and I were having a talk about life, you know, money, work, family… The usual. And it came up that I feel like I’m not doing my part. My whole life I’ve worked two jobs or was going to school and working. This is the longest I’ve gone with just one part time job since I was let go in May. Then my sweet husband pointed out that, I’ve also been doing better since then too, emotionally. Around the time I was let go I also started seeing a therapist (although I stopped because she thought, “I seemed to be doing fine”), because I was angry all the time. I was throwing things and yelling, it was awful and I felt terrible for doing it. But I didn’t know how to control it. In recent months a lot of that angry has disappeared. Until recently, I feel the anger building up inside me. I threw and broke my curling iron, I’ve yelled at Blake. I hate myself for doing this.
I’m trying to figure out why this is happening. Part of me wonders if its because I’ve been inactive, in the last months I’ve worked out maybe 4 times. Or is it because of the stress from not knowing what’s going on with my pregnancy. Plus my brother and his family, decided to move to Texas with no warning which left me heartbroken. I had to kiss my nephew and niece goodbye while they were strapped in the car.
I’m trying to give myself some slack, but I don’t feel like I deserve it. I’m mad at myself. Everyday I lay in bed long after I’ve woken up, I watch tv, I do nothing. I run errands and go to work just fine but at home nothing seems right. Every night I go to bed thinking tomorrow will be different, tomorrow will be the day I get something done. I can unpack boxes and take Kia for a walk.
I know that time is part of the answer. Unfortunately, writing this isn’t helping, I’m feeling more and more upset. And these are not the things you would to expect to see on a healthy living blog. I so have a few good things to talk about in those areas so expect my next pos to be cheery and fun.