Calling Myself Out

For the last two weeks or so, I’ve been pretty discouraged. I’ve been on this weight loss journey for what feels like forever. I’m ready to be done! I want to put on a bikini and lounge by the pool without sucking in my tummy.

All over the place all of a sudden I’m seeing information on Intuitive Eating. Which is not a new idea, the books have been around for a while. Basically, it’s follows the idea that you eat what you want, when you want until you are full and you will no longer have a weight problem.

Sometime this week I decided this was for me. I thought about it everyday, and even made notes about why this is right for me. You can see them in the picture of the contents of my purse.

Well, bullshit!

I’m so full of crap its not even funny, my eyes probably turned brown.

This idea of intuitive eating, for me, meant eating a bunch of shitty food with no limit. It was an excuse to eat as much as I want and not feel guilty about it, because its want my “body wanted.”

Bullshit.

After I realize how stupid this idea was I had to ask myself, why do I keep going back to this bad behavior? Why am I not allowing myself to reach this goal?

I keep doing this. I do good for a while and then I’m ready to quit.

I had to think about it for a long time and I know there are many reasons. This is just one of them.

I think it’s because I was afraid that it would hurt my relationship with my husband. Don’t get me wrong, Blake is my biggest supporter. He loves me no matter what I weigh, that I know for sure. But he had said that he likes women with a little meat on the bones. Which made me worry, if I lose more weight will he not like me anymore?

Finally, I decided I just need to tell him about this fear. Which, of course, just reassured me that he is my biggest supporter. I told him that I need to do this for me, because I don’t want to be overweight anymore. I don’t want to be rail thin, I just want to be in the healthy range for my height.

Secondly, I am worried about alienating him. I don’t want this to drive a wedge between us, like when one person in a relationship changes and the other doesn’t. Or because we like to do different things. But again we talked about it and we decided that we just have to try and do more things together. Like ride bikes, take our dog for a walk, or something. Last summer, we went kayaking and even hiking with friends once. Perhaps we need to say, ok every Sunday we do something fun together. We need to find a good balance of doing things the other likes, maybe I need to practice my video game skills.

By telling him how I feel, it was kind of like getting his permission to finish this thing to the end. Now I know, without a shadow of a doubt that he will be there beside me as I reach this goal. Like he has been every other time with every other goal! Why I even doubted, I don’t know. I just needed a little reassurance, I guess.

I know there is more behind my self sabotaging that still needs to be addressed. It’s going to take some time to figure it all out. This is just one step in the right direction.

As much as I’m ready to be done, I want to be at the finish line. Not quitting at close enough.

Please note: This is my opinion about me. I’m positive that intuitive eating is great for some people, I am just saying that for me in this moment it’s not right.

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6 thoughts on “Calling Myself Out

  1. losingwithcooper

    I really enjoyed this post. Mainly because I have tried to do intuitive eating before and failed as well. For me, I believe it is because I don’t actually have that intuition about food that is the basis of this concept. Ive never had good eating habits, and I was not taught them as a child. Instinctively I don’t want to stop when I’m full, but with intuitive eating that is supposed to be the point. That you naturally want to stop when full. I feel that because I have had such a bad relationship with food all my life this will never actually work for me. But that is just for myself! <3

  2. livingthesweetlifestl

    That is awesome that you are going to focus on doing fun healthy stuff with your husband! I think it is so fun in the spring and fall when my boyfriend and I go hiking at a new trail. I even introduced him to trail running which is awesome.

  3. Amber @ Hungry4aHealthyLife

    I can totally relate to this post! I still find myself self-sabotaging at times as well, and I don’t always know why. It’s something I am becoming more aware of though, which in itself is progress. Not that it’s good that you did this, but it’s good that you recognized right away what you were doing and how to fix it! :)

    Also, it’s tough when a couple tries to get healthy, either together, or just one of the people. My boyfriend and I struggle with this a bit, and the best thing you can do is communicate! Kudos on calling yourself out this week, sometimes it just needs to happen!

  4. DrinkWaterEatOatmeal

    Love this post! I can def say that I don’t think intuitive eating would work either for me. I’m very much so an eat until a bit past satisfied person… That’s why I have to portion and eat that and only that. I wish it wasn’t so, but it just is!!!! I’m glad you are doing healthy things together with your husband, and I’m especially glad he’s so supportive!!

  5. trikatykid

    Life is a series of trial and error. Live and learn. The key word being ‘learn’.

    I want to remind you of how far you’ve come, and that you’re not back where you started. So it’s possible to pick up and keep moving forward without too much harm done.

    I also wanted to remind you of a post you wrote a week or two (or 5? – I can’t remember) ago.. where you said that you either had success or didn’t have success (I can’t remember) so you decided to read through your food journal.

    A) that was a brilliant realization that food journals are not just meant for counting calories but for reflecting. The same way as a running journal. We live our lives so fully that we don’t often take time to reflect. We just plan, do, record, repeat. And we often repeat our mistakes because we forget to reflect.
    B) you learned a lot from doing that.

    Don’t do anything drastic. It’s too easy to bounce from diet to diet, trying to grasp at something we hope will work. My suggestions to you are to purchase the book 150 Healthiest Foods on Earth.. learn about why the foods are nourishing your body. Stop counting calories so much but learn to appreciate what good food can do for your body. I honestly believe the rest will fall into place.

    Very honest and reflective post.. remember that you ARE figuring it out. This is you figuring it out. You’re already doing it.. so just keep it up :-)

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