For the last two weeks or so, I’ve been pretty discouraged. I’ve been on this weight loss journey for what feels like forever. I’m ready to be done! I want to put on a bikini and lounge by the pool without sucking in my tummy.
All over the place all of a sudden I’m seeing information on Intuitive Eating. Which is not a new idea, the books have been around for a while. Basically, it’s follows the idea that you eat what you want, when you want until you are full and you will no longer have a weight problem.
Sometime this week I decided this was for me. I thought about it everyday, and even made notes about why this is right for me. You can see them in the picture of the contents of my purse.
I’m so full of crap its not even funny, my eyes probably turned brown.
This idea of intuitive eating, for me, meant eating a bunch of shitty food with no limit. It was an excuse to eat as much as I want and not feel guilty about it, because its want my “body wanted.”
After I realize how stupid this idea was I had to ask myself, why do I keep going back to this bad behavior? Why am I not allowing myself to reach this goal?
I keep doing this. I do good for a while and then I’m ready to quit.
I had to think about it for a long time and I know there are many reasons. This is just one of them.
I think it’s because I was afraid that it would hurt my relationship with my husband. Don’t get me wrong, Blake is my biggest supporter. He loves me no matter what I weigh, that I know for sure. But he had said that he likes women with a little meat on the bones. Which made me worry, if I lose more weight will he not like me anymore?
Finally, I decided I just need to tell him about this fear. Which, of course, just reassured me that he is my biggest supporter. I told him that I need to do this for me, because I don’t want to be overweight anymore. I don’t want to be rail thin, I just want to be in the healthy range for my height.
Secondly, I am worried about alienating him. I don’t want this to drive a wedge between us, like when one person in a relationship changes and the other doesn’t. Or because we like to do different things. But again we talked about it and we decided that we just have to try and do more things together. Like ride bikes, take our dog for a walk, or something. Last summer, we went kayaking and even hiking with friends once. Perhaps we need to say, ok every Sunday we do something fun together. We need to find a good balance of doing things the other likes, maybe I need to practice my video game skills.
By telling him how I feel, it was kind of like getting his permission to finish this thing to the end. Now I know, without a shadow of a doubt that he will be there beside me as I reach this goal. Like he has been every other time with every other goal! Why I even doubted, I don’t know. I just needed a little reassurance, I guess.
I know there is more behind my self sabotaging that still needs to be addressed. It’s going to take some time to figure it all out. This is just one step in the right direction.
As much as I’m ready to be done, I want to be at the finish line. Not quitting at close enough.
Please note: This is my opinion about me. I’m positive that intuitive eating is great for some people, I am just saying that for me in this moment it’s not right.