Pushing Through

Man, I’m so glad its the weekend.

To tell you the truth, I’ve really been having a hard time and this week was especially hard. I just haven’t been feeling like myself lately. When I mention this, everyone says “well your not yourself…you are you plus a baby.”

Sure that’s true but so much more is going on in my head. Luckily, I had a great talk with my therapist…er I mean, sister …today. She totally helped my understand whats going on, now that I understand I’m hoping to move on.

Lately, I’ve been finding myself lounging around and skipping workouts, eating junk food, and being just generally lazy. I’m feeling the same way inside that I felt at 230 pounds. It frightens me. I worked so hard to change, that I feel scared to go back to that person.

Unfortunately, instead of fixing the problem I find myself reverting to the old habits. At time when I should be excited and happy, I find myself falling into a little depression. Instead of doing things I enjoy like running, blogging, and reading,  I just lay on the couch or go to bed early. The truth is I have the physical energy to work out and do things, its my head that stops me.

A huge part of me feels like after the baby is born I will be fat again and that’s that. I’m back to the miserable, depressed, fat girl who hated everything about herself.

The hardest part is, I came home from an amazing weekend at FitBlogging feeling inspired. Ready to get back to the real Erin, not the one that’s been laying on the couch for the last 4 weeks. I woke up early to get a run in before the temps rose over 100 degrees. I packed a gym bag. I bought stuff to make my hubby cakepops…I had every good intention to do what makes me feel good.

But I didn’t do anything. I laid in bed awake for an hour before I had to get ready for work. I left the gym bag packed sitting in the trunk of my car.

A couple of tearful conversations with my sister and husband helped to open my eyes. Instead of pushing through like I’ve always done, I’m letting these feelings take control. When I lost the first baby in the fall I had to force myself to make a change to overcome the feelings I was having and that’s what I have to do now.

I have to make myself do the things I know will make me feel good. I have to make myself blog daily, and read more books. And especially force myself to get my workouts done. Its the only way to feel better. Its not just for me, its for the baby.

I also have to remind myself that baby weight isn’t the same as gaining weight. A new friend, Sarah, I met at FitBloggin shared her pregnancy motto: “Not fat, just pregnant.” This is going to have to be something I tell myself everyday. Gaining weight right now, doesn’t mean I failed. It means I’m creating a beautiful, healthy baby to love.

Its not just for me. Its for the baby.

 

 

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9 thoughts on “Pushing Through

  1. Elizabeth Smith

    Hey Erin!

    I am 25 weeks myself and I know exactly what you are going through. I lost 50 pounds so we could get pregnant and there are days i see my expanding waist line or the numbers move up on the scale and it scares me. I am scared of being the 230 pound me. But i came into this pregnancy just as you did, knowing what i have to do to be healthy during and after. I am 25 weeks and only gained 4 pounds but i do my best to be active and count my cals. You should look into a site called BabyFit. It sends a daily email with fitness and health tips for expecting moms. And dont worry. I find myself munching on things that arent good for me too. Enjoy it now. After baby is game time! Lots of SPA love!

    Liz

  2. Mar on the Run!

    I just came across your blog and sending you a little SPA <3!! hang in there. Maybe one trick is when you start to feel down or talk yourself out of working out/cooking, etc. Write a blog post about it – maybe not necessarily to publish but almost like a journal. Maybe you'll find when the words hit paper (or computer ;) you'll be able to talk yourself in to getting out there. Good luck!!

    1. mrsalexzan Post author

      That a great idea! I bought a journal so I could keep track of pregnancy related things and I’ve only written in it a handful of times. I should probably make it a daily habit. Thanks for the suggestion

    1. mrsalexzan Post author

      Thanks Amber!! Figuring out whats wrong and making the commitment to do things differently has made a huge impact in just 2 days!

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