Man, I’m so glad its the weekend.
To tell you the truth, I’ve really been having a hard time and this week was especially hard. I just haven’t been feeling like myself lately. When I mention this, everyone says “well your not yourself…you are you plus a baby.”
Sure that’s true but so much more is going on in my head. Luckily, I had a great talk with my therapist…er I mean, sister …today. She totally helped my understand whats going on, now that I understand I’m hoping to move on.
Lately, I’ve been finding myself lounging around and skipping workouts, eating junk food, and being just generally lazy. I’m feeling the same way inside that I felt at 230 pounds. It frightens me. I worked so hard to change, that I feel scared to go back to that person.
Unfortunately, instead of fixing the problem I find myself reverting to the old habits. At time when I should be excited and happy, I find myself falling into a little depression. Instead of doing things I enjoy like running, blogging, and reading, I just lay on the couch or go to bed early. The truth is I have the physical energy to work out and do things, its my head that stops me.
A huge part of me feels like after the baby is born I will be fat again and that’s that. I’m back to the miserable, depressed, fat girl who hated everything about herself.
The hardest part is, I came home from an amazing weekend at FitBlogging feeling inspired. Ready to get back to the real Erin, not the one that’s been laying on the couch for the last 4 weeks. I woke up early to get a run in before the temps rose over 100 degrees. I packed a gym bag. I bought stuff to make my hubby cakepops…I had every good intention to do what makes me feel good.
But I didn’t do anything. I laid in bed awake for an hour before I had to get ready for work. I left the gym bag packed sitting in the trunk of my car.
A couple of tearful conversations with my sister and husband helped to open my eyes. Instead of pushing through like I’ve always done, I’m letting these feelings take control. When I lost the first baby in the fall I had to force myself to make a change to overcome the feelings I was having and that’s what I have to do now.
I have to make myself do the things I know will make me feel good. I have to make myself blog daily, and read more books. And especially force myself to get my workouts done. Its the only way to feel better. Its not just for me, its for the baby.
I also have to remind myself that baby weight isn’t the same as gaining weight. A new friend, Sarah, I met at FitBloggin shared her pregnancy motto: “Not fat, just pregnant.” This is going to have to be something I tell myself everyday. Gaining weight right now, doesn’t mean I failed. It means I’m creating a beautiful, healthy baby to love.
Its not just for me. Its for the baby.